Drowning in a river, drowning in a river of tears ~ Eric Clapton

Sadly I have found myself in that dark place once again. A place I had worked so hard to leave just a few years past.  In just a few short months I have gone from being the happiest I'd ever been, to the depth of despair. I'm not sure why I'm sharing this, because I don't know for certain that anyone is reading this blog.  At any rate, I seem to plod along through each day searching for both my purpose, and things to be grateful for.  I know full well the many things and people to be thankful for.  As for my purpose it escapes me yet.  My whole life, the one dream I've had, that has meant so much, has been that I might be someone's special companion, someone's mom, someone's partner to grow old with.  As more than half my life has passed me by, my dreams too, escape me.  Oh, I had given up on being a mom to anything other than cats and dogs a long time ago.  Sometimes I weep for not having a child of my own, but I've accepted that now.  But to live so long without the comfort, reassurance, love and all that goes along with "good" relationships, it's been a long hard way.  I think one special person comes along during a lifetime, someone you connect with on all levels.  I have had two such people come through my life, one has been unobtainable, the other just cast me off only a month ago.

I'm trying to get back to the person I was before this recent blow.  Evvy and I are returning to the woods more often, the one sure place I feel comfortable.  As far as I can see, the world out there has gone bad, the people, the environment, the politics, the economy, just everything.  I spend way too much time alone, I did it before all this.  Nevertheless I know who I can rely on, it 's been me all along.  I should think I won't give up my power to another person again.  My footing precarious but moving forward.

Fine Finish to an Early Spring Day

Despite the forecast for rain, the day remained dry.   However, my day started out with a cold shower!  My ancient water heater finally gave up the ghost.  I'm wondering if this is payback, for buying my awesome new camera.  My motorcycle has been stuck in the mud outside the shed, for two days now.  I had left it out one night.  The next day, the motorcycle sunk up to the rims.  I couldn't budge it.  So my sister and family came up today to help, easily pushing the bike back into the shed.   

 

I worked a late shift last night as a security guard at Cheshire Medical Center, until 2:30 a.m.  I haven't worked a night shift for a while.  It had been a lonely slow night walking the deserted hallways, and dark offices.  Then around 10:30 p.m.  the intoxicated people started arriving in various states of inebriation.  They rolled in right up until I went off shift.  All decidedly remorseful for their overindulgence.  The facial expressions are universal, a blank stare at anything. The occasional switch, or jolt, trying not to puke.  Some had trash bags around their necks like giant bibs.  If they let fly, none of the mess got on their clothes, it all went into the bag...ingenious.

Funny, watching people wheeled in with trashbags around their necks, made me think of big kids getting ready to be fed in a giant high chair.  These big kids were just as vulnerable and needy as babies.  It was both amusing, and disgusting at the same time.  What was most disturbing was to see a teenager come in, maybe more intoxicated than any who had arrived.

He had lost control of "both ends" stinking up the whole ECC.  I wondered what the future held for this person.

Anyhooo, this evening I took Evvy up on Watkins Hill where the cows will soon be grazing. Evvy dashed all around the pastural hill, stopping often to sniff the aged cow flops.  As we walked back home, I was awestruck by the brilliant colors of a gorgeous sunset.  The photo I took is looking west, obviously down County Rd.

Morning Walk with Evvy

Evvy and I went for an early morning walk last Friday. We hadn't really ventured far over the winter. So I drove up over the Whipple Hill Rd to see what was new. I took my fabulous new Nikon D3000 camera. A purchase I surely can't afford, but gave to myself as a gift for an hellacious couple or three weeks prior. I looked for artistic compositions in everything. Evvy was content to run around smelling the spring time smells. To her it must have been like being a kid in a candy store. I could hear Tom Turkeys gobbling in the distance. I called to them, but my hen call seems to have been more of a strangled cat sound. Needless to say, no Turkeys came our way.

We continued down the old Rapids Road, now just accessible by snowmobiles, ATV and four wheel drives. Only the slightest bit of snow and ice remain. Evvy took full advantage of any melting snow she could find. She loves to roll and slide herself along the snow like an Otter.
Pretty funny actually.

There is a stream that runs from Whipple Hill down to Rapids Rd. Just past the sand pit entrance, I followed the stream back up hill. There is what appears to be an old dam. With the spring run-off, a beautiful waterfall had been created over the stones. I got some great close-ups of moss, and evergreen ferns. I must have taken close to 50 photos. I couldn't wait to return home and check the pictures out on my computer. 

After Evvy had sufficiently smelled the smells, chased chipmunks, and eat nasty things, she headed for the truck. I heard Red-Winged Blackbirds, and now I am sure Spring has sprung.
I have started seeds of Tomatoes, Burpless cucumbers, Basil, Rosemary, Lemon balm, and a flower I don't remember the name of. My little seedlings are already sprouted, and will soon have to be transplanted to pea pots. That is if the cats don't eat them, I may actually have some good plants to put out after last frost.