Sadly I have found myself in that dark place once again. A place I had worked so hard to leave just a few years past. In just a few short months I have gone from being the happiest I'd ever been, to the depth of despair. I'm not sure why I'm sharing this, because I don't know for certain that anyone is reading this blog. At any rate, I seem to plod along through each day searching for both my purpose, and things to be grateful for. I know full well the many things and people to be thankful for. As for my purpose it escapes me yet. My whole life, the one dream I've had, that has meant so much, has been that I might be someone's special companion, someone's mom, someone's partner to grow old with. As more than half my life has passed me by, my dreams too, escape me. Oh, I had given up on being a mom to anything other than cats and dogs a long time ago. Sometimes I weep for not having a child of my own, but I've accepted that now. But to live so long without the comfort, reassurance, love and all that goes along with "good" relationships, it's been a long hard way. I think one special person comes along during a lifetime, someone you connect with on all levels. I have had two such people come through my life, one has been unobtainable, the other just cast me off only a month ago.
I'm trying to get back to the person I was before this recent blow. Evvy and I are returning to the woods more often, the one sure place I feel comfortable. As far as I can see, the world out there has gone bad, the people, the environment, the politics, the economy, just everything. I spend way too much time alone, I did it before all this. Nevertheless I know who I can rely on, it 's been me all along. I should think I won't give up my power to another person again. My footing precarious but moving forward.
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